I HAVE MOVED

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Fear of Pain

"Pain leads us to make bad decisions. The fear of pain is just as bad a motivator." - House

The Brooklyn Bridge

Break Muna

Today I was planning on going to 2 dance classes, one after the other. But 5 minutes before my Beginner's Breakin' class ended I was ready to lie down and die of exhaustion. It was so worth it though! Looks like I'm moving my dance class to Saturdays..

After the class, I didn't feel like going home since the sun was out and it wasn't too hot. So I walked around Central Park for around two hours. During the winter I'd had this one walk around the park and realized how beautiful it was. I walked around again, it's summer this time of year, and I realized it was just as beautiful...

Chapter 23

Starting a new chapter in your life is always scary... and exciting :). There's never been a more appropriate time for me to say, I AM STARTING A NEW CHAPTER IN MY LIFE. Plus, I just turned 23 today (oo dagdag lang yon). My birthday festivities actually left me really tired, plus it's been weeks since I've been able to sleep well, so I wanted to go directly to bed. But I just can't ignore all the people that have greeted me a happy birthday. Last night I wanted so much to sleep like a log, and instead text messages were arriving nonstop from people greeting me. Thanks to everyone! What a way to realize I'm very much loved. :)

We ate at 'The Water Club', a restaurant overlooking the East River. It was beautiful, the food was great, and dessert was great (even the dessert wine was wonderful, and yes, recently I've been appreciating wine a lot). After dinner a little walk over to the bus stop gave us a great nighttime view of the other side of the river (also known as Queens). The area reminded me of Makati, with a flyover, some Christmas lights in August, and the heatwave making it feel so much like I was back home.

My sister gave me something I've been dreaming of for quite awhile: My very first Tiffany & Co. jewelry. Thanks ate!

I thought I was going to have a lot to talk about, but I'm pretty beat. I think this song encompasses what I'm feeling though... read on...

UNWRITTEN

I am unwritten,
Can't read my mind
I'm undefined
I'm just beginning
The pen's in my hand
Ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words
That you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition
Sometimes my tries
Are outside the lines
We've been conditioned
To not make mistakes
But I can't live that way

oh, oh

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words
That you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words
That you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
drench yourself in words unspoken
Live you life with arms wide open
Today is where you book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
the rest is still unwritten

Overhaul

This blog is quickly becoming too cute and pink for my taste. Don't get me wrong, cute and pink is ok, but now it's time for an overhaul.

When I will HAVE the time for the overhaul is beyond me.

Right now I'm supposed to be working, instead of deciding what color scheme my blog should have. ARGH.

I'm over at my sister's apartment, not even sure if I should go home. The minute I go home I might start watching my FRIENDS dvds.

What am I doing nowadays? I'm currently deciding what I'm supposed to be doing... (huh?) Several choices have come up:

1. Join a book club
2. Dance more often (and by often I do not mean once a week)
3. Brush up on ColdFusion, give up my 'blogspot' and actually create a website that is MINE.

The problem with choice number 1, no matter how nice it may seem, is just that I'm still kind of scared of meeting people who are much TOO intellectual for my tastes. I do read, and I like a good conversation about a good book. But that may be a little too much for me.

Choice number two is not so bad except that I only have the weekends to do it, and I've decided I will never say no to anyone that I know who's asking me to go to the city and have fun. This only means Friday nights are pretty much down the drain.

Choice number three is kind of scary. Giving up 25 bucks a year means I actually have to do it, no excuses. And it's not like a zillion people are reading my blog, hello? I created my first website in sixth grade. Back then it seemed like an amazing thing, but I spent most of my free hours on it. *sigh* There's just so much other stuff to do. I'm not in sixth grade anymore.

Thanks. :)

Recently a lot of people have been sending me messages asking if I'm ok. Probably because my last entry seemed to indicate that I was going insane. :)

Monday morning I woke up every hour from 1 am to 4 am, trying to decide whether I had the strength to go to work or not. I had not packed my stuff yet, and at about 4:30 I knew I had to decide, because I had to be out the door before 6 am to get to work. The only thing that had kept me from grabbing a knife and stabbing myself over the weekend was the fact that I was around so many people. If I stayed home, it would only be me and the dog. So, I grabbed a knife, stabbed a loaf of bread, had breakfast, and sped off to work. :) The decision to live. All in a day's work.

Saturday my sister told me people had different ways of getting over their problems. Some people had to get to their lowest point before deciding to move on. I don't think I ever really got to that lowest point, and I don't think I wanna know how that would have gone. I think the major thing that made me decide was a text message from my sister practically screaming at me to get over myself. It actually worked. Santong paspasan itoh.

So now I'm ok. I want to thank all the people who asked me how I was, and my sister, who I think would have slapped me if she thought it would give me some sense. ;P.

It's funny how different parts of your life can be at such extremes. Over the past month I think I've been blatantly called stupid about five times. BUT. At work I've been asked to look over more senior people's stuff so many times, one of them actually half-jokingly suggested that I should review their documents before they're passed on to our Technical Lead. The person who suggested this has been working in IT for more than 8 years. One of the smartest people I know nowadays told me he thought he was quite analytical, but that I was even more so. *sit back, relax* Ahh. Life is still good. We had a good laugh when I commented that I wish I was quite as analytical in all parts of my life. :D

Ok I've run out of trying-to-be-witty things to say. Time for some TV! Have a great day everyone :).

Somebody Save Me

At 22 years old, I am experiencing my first, real heartbreak. My sister commented that I'm such a late bloomer. Yes, I accept it. I don't know if this is the best time to deal with this kind of thing, but I guess life deals you all kinds of things and they will never really happen when you expect them.

At first I wanted to keep it to myself. I wanted to tell no one of the slow, fiery pain. Least of all the people who I really needed to tell, or those who deserved to know. The first person I completely opened up to about it felt like a total stranger to me. I guess when you don't really care what someone thinks, it is then that you can expose what you are most ashamed of, and know that there is little to no chance of ever regretting the confession.

I tried to hide it, even from you. I told myself you shouldn't know how torn I am. But the haze of pain that has unrelentingly engulfed me these past few days slowly took on its own life. I couldn't hide it, so I finally turned to the people closest to me, and tried to draw on their strength. They have helped, in a way, but other people can only do so much for you, especially when it seems like you do not want to help yourself. I have come to the point wherein I keep wondering why my heart is still beating. I ask God to be the one to stop it completely, because I do not have the courage to do it myself. He seems to have other plans, because somehow, I am still functioning.

I wake up in the middle of the night. Always. Sometimes sobbing, sometimes tired of the nightmares, sometimes to a dull ache in my chest that does not seem to want to stop. Sometimes I find people who are willing to try and comfort me out here in cyberspace. They tell me of their own pain, that there is no escape, and that the only way to get past it is to ride it out til the end. My brother tells me I am in the 'Bargaining' stage. I am scared that I am still in 'Denial', which only means it will take even longer for me to finally feel normal again. Right now I don't know how to function. I try to be around people, just because I will be alone again for the rest of the week, and I guess I want to soak up the feeling of not being alone, even though as I lie on the sofa just listening to everyone else make their everyday noises, I still feel like I am in my own bubble, and nobody can get to me, nobody can help.

I don't know what to do anymore, which is why I've started writing about it. I need to let it out, but I cannot expect people to just be there for me throughout the night.

I walk around with a heavy weight, so heavy I feel like I am an ant, carrying something ten times my own weight. As I go throughout the day feeling this heavy, I keep wondering how people can still be moving about. What I have gone through is probably without a doubt one of the lesser sorrows any person has ever gone through. And yet, I feel like I just want the world to end. Most of the people around me, especially those who are older, have probably gone through hell and back in their own lifetimes, and I keep thinking, "How can they still be here, laughing, buying shoes, complaining about the weather, watching a movie?" Can human beings actually be this strong? Apparently, they are.

I do not know how to end this entry, or this pain for that matter. People tell me it will, on its own. I wish I had a remote so I can fast forward my life, but I guess the only way to learn life's lessons is through experience. And without experiencing this I would not have been complete.

Kababawan

For the first time this week I actually had a pleasant dream. One of the shallowest dreams I've ever had in a long time, but it was actually worth more to me than a lot of better things that have happened to me recently.

I dreamt I was in a school bus, sitting beside a little girl, no more than a 3rd grader. The bus was full, and I was trying to play Freddie (my mp3 player) and transmit to the bus radio. Suddenly the bus driver commented that my music sucked, and the whole bus load of people actually agreed. They switched to some crummy station. For some reason I felt extremely bad. The little girl beside me rolled her eyes as if to say 'Who cares about them? They have no idea what sounds great. We are the only cool persons in this bus.' She picked up one of my earphones and started listening to Freddie with me. A slow grin started to spread on my face. Then somebody was knocking on my door saying "Ash, gising na." Urgh. My first pleasant dream in a week and I have to wake up.

"Na nakakatakot, lalo na kung collor yellow..."

Good Luck

Good luck sa lahat. Sa lahat ng nagmamahal. Minsan talaga, mawawalan ka ng pag-asa. Pero sabi nga ng isa kong kakilala, 'It's all part of the game.' Pag inisip mo rin, napakadami mong blessings, na nakakalimutan mo kapag may malaki kang problema. :) You've wasted enough time, why waste more? Isang century lang or less ang buhay nating lahat. Napakahirap na nang ibalance ung natitira mong oras sa mga bagay na gusto mong gawin, iwawaste mo pa sa pagmumukmok? :). Kudos sa lahat ng malalakas na tao diyan, hayaan niyo, in the end, it will all be ok. If it's not ok, it's not the end. :)

Wala akong oras recently. Binalanse ko sa pag figure out ng buhay kong nalolost, trabaho, and mga bagay na walang kwenta. Kaya siguro di nako nakapagsulat. Pasensya na at wala akong pasensyang mag-ingles ngayon. Siguro kasi, nakakamiss ang sariling lengwahe kapag puro kano ang kausap mo. Not na olats sila, but sa totoo lang, nakakamiss tlga ung komportableng komportable ka sa kausap mo di ba? Walang imbento, walang kunwa-kunwari, puro katotohanan. Ang totoo, alam kong nagkamali ako sa maraming bagay recently. Pero alam ko rin na I've been trying my best, yun naman ang importante di ba? Ang mga nangyayari sa buhay parating may rason, at unti-unti kong narerealize ang mga rason kung bakit nangyari ang mga bagay sa buhay ko. Ang alam ko lang, buhay pako. 'Live to Tell' ika nga. At mrami akong kilala na, they have lived to tell the part of their lives na feeling nila, di nila malalagpasan. Anlaki ng respeto ko sa mga taong ito ngayon, saludo ako sa inyo mga pare at mare. Dahil andyan kayo, may mga tao na dumadagdag who can also 'Live to Tell', dahil andiyan kayo para sabihin na.. 'Hoy. Gising.'

Ok na ok ako sa trabaho ngayon. Sa totoo lang, d ko maimagine na ako si Ash dati, walang pakealam sa aral at nagyayayang manood ng sine halos araw araw, lalo na kapag ang class ay 'German' "Ich liebe dich"? Hehehehe. Napapansin kong may sense pala ang pagka-CS ko sa UP, kahit na akala ko dati gusto ko nalang tulugan si Sir Quiwa. Sir, salamat sa inyo, ang bilis ko matuto. O baka naman dahil magaling lang talaga pamilya ko :). Sa tingin ko, pareho HAHAHA. 'Sex? Baka isulat niyo, ALL THE TIME.' HAHAHHAA. Dabest tlga si Sir Quiwa. Kala mo tutulugan mo na biglang hihirit ng kung ano. Sir, lolo na kayo, but then again, dahil don nakinig ako sa Hashing functions niyo. :) Hindi ko na matandaan pero sa tingin ko nagkasense naman. Gumradweyt naman ako di ba?

Kanina kumain kami ni ate alet sa isang kainan dito lang malapit sa kanila. Naalala ko yung 'Likha Diwa'. Singkwenta ang kape, pero masarap at hindi na makatulog si best matapos uminom. Ngayon nga lang, hindi kape ang ininom. Pero ok lang, parang tumatanda na ang pakiramdam ko. Medyo may kick na ang inumin. (ulet. at hindi na dahil cool lang.) Malapit na bedey ko. Ang sabi ng Diyos, 'Iha, oras nang tumanda ka.' Sa tingin ko nga. Kahit papano, salamat sa Diyos, naisip niyang patandain nako (wala pa namang puting buhok, salamat naman).

Naisip ko nang yakapin ang buhay ko ngayon. Dati kasi, pakiramdam ko, hindi pa ako makapaniwalang andito ako, at hindi ko rin alam kung gusto ko bang tanggapin na makikibagay ako sa mundo dito. Pero pinili ko ito e. At kahit pa, mahirap makibagay, binigyan ako ng pagkakataong patunayan na kaya ko. Sa tingin ko naman, napatunayan ko e. Kaya, kudos sa sarili ko bwahaha.

Hay. Kaantok ah. Kapagod umuwi. But it's good to be home. In a way.

Good night world.

Set You Free

We often fool ourselves
And say that it's love only
Cause when it's gone we end up being lonely
So how are we to know that it just isn't so
That we just have to let each other go

There were many times
When we shared precious moments
But later realized they were only stolen moments
So how are we to know that it just wasn't so
That we just had to let each other go

If loving you is all that means to me
When being happy is all I hope you'd be
Then loving you must mean I really have to set you free

Each day we meet my love for you
Keeps growing stronger but everytime we meet
Makes leaving you so much harder
So how are we to know
That this just wasn't so
That we just have to let each other go

Letting go is not an easy task
When smiling feels like I must wear this lonely mask
It hurts deep inside
And I just cannot hide
That there's anguish at the thought
That we should have to part

What Everybody Knows

Aww..


I know you're wondering
What this is all about
Candles and champagne
dinner is all made out

I wanted this night
to be perfect for you
It's gotta be right
for what i'm gonna do
So baby sit down
and open youre heart to me

Girl, it's time you know
What everybody knows
To say the words I feel
To tell you what is real
and let my feeling shows
The whole world knows it's true
I'm so in love with you...
Baby look at me
and in my eyes you'll see
What everybody knows

It seems like a lifetime
Girl since i met you
And from that first moment
Deep in my heart I knew
That someday I'll be
where I'm standing today
Touching your body
kissing your face
Holding the dreams
that's finally coming true

Baby look at me
And in my eyes you'll see
What everybody knows...

Looking..

It is so incredibly annoying when some person tells you your time is almost up. "Time for what?", you're probably asking. Well, time to find the right person and have little versions of you running around. Yes, yes, it is a fact of life that people (especially women) are constantly looking for that person to spend forever with, (sometimes forever means about 10 years, or several kids, but it depends on what the definition has been for you ;) ). Personally, I've never been excited about the prospect of marriage. Some women have dreamt of this thing their entire lives, parading around in a veil at 9 years of age (at 9 years old I was climbing trees and making mud cakes, so don't be surprised I didn't care about weddings). For some reason, the idea of settling down came up as I was talking to this guy friend of mine. I volunteered the information that someone I knew (whom I will not name, lest she kill me) was told by her gynecologist that her time was almost up to have kids. WTF?!?! That is so freakin' rude! My friend laughed pretty hard though. We were kind of quiet after that for a bit and then he suddenly said, "Hey, YOU have just about 5 years left." I think my eyes just about bulged as I said, "WHAT?! DON'T STRESS ME OUT!" He couldn't stop laughing. Hey, it's not funny. It's freakin' unfair that guys don't have a ticking clock on their abilities to have kids (of course, for as long as they can still perform ;) and that's not even an issue anymore I think). I mean, what if I wanted to travel the world first? Settle down at 35? Ahahahhaa! Guys don't feel the pressure, so they can settle down any old time they want. So I asked him, "Hmm, so should I be scheming now to try and tie down some guy?". "Yes, tie him down, lock him up, and throw out the key!" This statement sent me into fits of laughter (I should point out that this guy and I are in no way romantically inclined towards each other), and I guess I forgave him for stressing me out earlier. *sigh* If only things were as simple as just finding the right person and deciding to settle down in a heartbeat. It seems like when you're looking too hard, you never seem to find what you're looking for. And when you're not looking is when you find something. And when you find something, it's never as simple as "Yes, this is it." As for me, I still have 5-8 years ;). SO QUIT STRESSING ME OUT!

S.O.S. Please Someone Help Me

S.O.S. (Rescue Me)


[Intro]
Lalala lalala la la lala la Ohhh
You know... I never felt like this before
Lalala lalala la la lala la Ohhh
Feels like.. so real

[Verse 1]
I'm obsessive when just one thought of you comes up
I'm aggressive just one thought of closing up
You got me stressing, incessantly pressing the issue
'Cause every moment gone you know I miss you
I'm the question and you're of course the answer
Just hold me close boy 'cause I'm your tiny dancer
You make me shaken up, never mistaken
But I can't control myself, got me calling out for help

[Chorus:]
S.O.S. please someone help me.
It's not healthy... for me to feel this way
Y.O.U. are making this hard,
I can't take it, see it don't feel right
S.O.S. please someone help me
It's not healthy... for me to feel this way
Y.O.U. are making this hard
You got me tossin' and turnin' and can't sleep at night

[Bridge:]
This time please someone come and rescue me
'Cause you on my mind it's got me losing it
I'm lost, you got me lookin' for the rest of me
Love is testing me but still I'm losing it
This time please someone come and rescue me
'Cause you on my mind, it's got me losing it
I'm lost, you got me looking for the rest of me,
Got the best of me, so now I'm losing it

[Verse 2]
Just your presence and I second guess my sanity
Yes it's a lesson, it's unfair, you stole my vanity
My tummy's up in knots so when I see you I get so hot
My common sense is out the door, can't seem to find the lock
Take on me (uh huh) you know inside you feel it right
[CD version:] Take me on I'm put desire up in your arms tonight
[Video version:] Take me on, I could just die up in your arms tonight.
I'm out with you, you got me head over heels
Boy you keep me hanging on the way you make me feel

[Chorus:]
S.O.S. please someone help me.
It's not healthy... for me to feel this way
Y.O.U. are making (Y.O.U.) this hard,
You got me tossin' and turnin' and can't sleep at night

[Bridge:]
This time please someone come and rescue me
'Cause you on my mind, it's got me losing it ('Cause you on my mind)
I'm lost, you got me lookin' for the rest of me
Love is testing me but still I'm losing it
This time please someone come and rescue me (someone come and rescue me)
'Cause you on my mind got me losing it
I'm lost, you got me looking for the rest of me,
Got the best of me, so now I'm losing it

Boy, you know you got me feeling open
And boy, your loves enough with words unspoken
I said boy I'm telling you, you got me open
I don't know what to do it's true
I'm going crazy over you,
I'm begging

[Chorus:]
S.O.S. please somebody help me.
It's not healthy... for me to feel this way
Y.O.U. are making this hard (are you making this hard for me, baby?),
You got me tossin' and turnin' and can't sleep at night

[Bridge:]
This time please someone come and rescue me (someone rescue me)
'Cause you on my mind, it's got me losing it
I'm lost, you got me lookin' for the rest of me
Love is testing me but still I'm losing it
This time please someone come and rescue me
'Cause you on my mind got me losing it ('cause any time)
I'm lost you, got me looking for the rest of me,
Got the best of me (best of me), I'm losing it

[Outro]
Lala lala lala lala Ohhh
Ohh ohh lala lala lala lala
Oh oh

When Life Passes You By

One of my officemates brought up the feeling of just getting your paycheck again and again and you're not even aware of it, and that's when you realize you really ARE a consultant. Because you have no life. That's not exactly true for me. TRUE I don't have a life, but false that my paycheck arrives and I don't realize it. HAHAHA. Everytime my paycheck arrives I lose the nerve to save up all the more. I think it's because I've been feeling kind of depressed lately. Which is why I tend to wake up late on the weekends. And why I lose even more time to spend on interesting things to do. Lately I've fallen out of love with all the things I used to love, like books. I've tried reading 5 books to date since I started working, and have finished 0 so far. And if you're like me, a person with her head up in the clouds, someone who's always been so disappointed about life that she tries to forget about real life by spending half of her time inside those pages, something like this could very well feel like the end of your existence. Or the start of one of the most depressing chapters in your life. OR, maybe your inner self is urging you to move on and grow up. Whatever it is, I hope it's merely temporary. I don't think I can spend the rest of my existence facing the harsh reality of life head-on without the armor of pure, unrestrained fiction.

Today I felt sad about another missed opportunity. I heard my teammates talking about David Blaine finishing up his stunt in the city, which I had first heard of like 2 weeks ago. I vowed to go over and visit the site, but never got to it. I think he finished it today. I KNEW I missed something over the weekend. What a bummer. Well, at least I got to watch MI:3, which I thought I was going to miss. Another interesting 2-minute topic for me and my carpool friend as we head out from another day at work. Sometimes I wonder why I chose this profession. Well, I kind of didn't choose it, it chose me. Just 'coz I wanted to grab the first job offer I had. It gets kinda lonely.

In a suddent burst of effort to fill my otherwise empty life I did a dance class yesterday (after doing tae bo in the morning). The class was pure fun. Jaime, our dance instructor, who was supposed to be teaching basic hiphop, ended up choreographing 'Hips Don't Lie' by Shakira. Add a joke every 2 minutes and you've got yourself a recipe for a fun afternoon. I'm planning on taking his class every Sunday if I can. The effect of this sudden exciting activity for me (plus changing my luggage setup and carrying two laptops in a backpack all the way to Princeton, New Jersey), has me sporting a very sore back. Ah well. There are some sacrifices you just have to make.

Child of Dune

'I must not fear.

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be NOTHING.

Only I will remain.'

Guy Talks Girl

A Venture in the Woman’s Mind

Bakit palaging ganyan ang mga lalaki. Sa una, sobrang sweet and sobrang caring. Palibhasa kasi bago palang kayong nagkakilala at kapaan pa raw ng pagkatao. Kelangan siguro magpakita ng impression na super interested sila sa girl kaya gagawin lahat, susuporta din sa lahat. Kailangan pa bang I-fake ang first impression? Bakit? Ibig sabihin ba nun ay hindi talaga sweet, charming and nice ang mga lalaki? Hay naku… Malay ko ba sa kanila. Tapos kapag napansin na, maslalo magiging sweet dahil may iba na silang gusto sayo eh. Hindi papayag yun na friends lang talaga kayo lalo na kapag interested siya sayo. So bubuntot-buntot siya sayo na parang aso at wala nang ibang sasabihin kundi oo sa mga gusto mong gawin. Kahit magkabilang mundo ang mga tirahan ninyo ay hihintayin ka niya at ihahatid sa bahay each and every day. Awww… So sweet. Alam niyang sobrang busy ka dahil sa school… or dahil sa work… pero pupuntahan ka pa rin niya. Sasamahan ka parin niya at tutulungan ka pa nga niya sa mga ginagawa mo. Kahit maging utusan siya for the day. Kahit madaling araw na siya umuwi. Ok lang. It’s all for you naman kasi nun eh. Hay nako… ang sarap talaga isipin. Ang sarap magreminisce sa mga times na ganun ang guy.



Shempre sobrang naimpress ka sa kanya diba so ibibigay mo na ang iyong “OO” at sasagutin mo na ang tanong niya na “will you be my baby?” Sobrang saya talaga! Dahil alam mong may nagmamahal sayo at alam mo na parati siyang nandiyan para sayo. Shempre masasanay ka na kasama mo siya everyday. So hahanap-hanapin mo siya. Text jan, tawag doon, of course hindi ka naman iiwanan nun sa ere noh! So pagtext mo, reply kaagad yun! Tatakbo kaagad yun papunta sayo! Parang alipin na tinawag ng kanyang master. Magkasama na kayo ulit! Yehey! Kumpleto na ulit ang araw mo! Buo na ulit ang buhay mo! Everyday magkasama kayo, every night magkadate kayo. Basta break mo, andun siya. Of course in return, ibibigay mo na rin ang konting part ng sarili mo sa kanya. Kahit pagod ka na dahil sa busy mo na araw, you will still find time to catch the last full show with him. Kahit pinapagalitan ka na sa bahay dahil hindi ka na nakikita. Kahit 12 am ka na umuuwi dahil galing kayong dalawa sa mall, ok lang. Magkasama kayo eh. Nothing is more sweeter and more fulfilling than that. Kapag birthday ng pinakamamahal mong boyfriend ay ilang oras kang iikot-ikot sa mall para lang makita ang Perfect gift. Baller ID? New Shirt? Shoes? Basta lahat ng naiisip mong bagay iregalo sa kanya. Hihilingin mo rin minsan na sana ay milyonaryo ka para maibibigay mo lahat ng gusto niya… para lang sa kanya. Hindi mo naiisip na unti-unti, nagiging sentro na siya ng buhay mo. Darating ang panahon na handa ka nang ibigay lahat para sa kanya. Natitirang konting oras mo. Bawat tibok ng puso mo. Kahit Virginity mo: Isusuko mo lahat yun para kanya. Ganun mo siya kamahal. Kampante ka na sa kanya dahil sa lahat ng “pagmamalasakit at pagmamahal” na ipinikita niya sayo. Masaya parin ang buhay.


Ngunit, subalit, datapwat, sa isang di inaasahang panahon. Sa mga araw na akala mo ay ok lang naman kayo. Normal na araw kung baga. Bigla siyang magbabago. Mamalasin ka lang talaga at mapapansin mo pa yun. May kausap ka lang na ibang lalaki, friends lang kayo ah! Grabe ang pangit nga ng kausap mo ngayon eh… pagseselosan parin niya. Magagalit siya sayo dahil katext mo yung isang guy na nakilala mo lang dahil sa project, dahil ka-officemate mo siya. May masama ba naman dun? Wala naman diba? Eh kung sa may kailangan lang naman talaga yung guy eh. Eh kung sa nice guy lang naman siya eh. Eh kung sa friends lang naman talaga kayo eh. Magmamaktol na yang baby mo. Magiging tiyanak na yan. “Bakit mo kausap yan? Sino yan ha? Gilitin ko leeg niyan eh. May iba pa bang kailangan yan sayo? Pinagpapalit mo na ba ako?” Shempre girl ka lang diba? Parang espadang tumatagos sa puso mo yung mga sinabi niya. Friend lang naman yun ah. Ni hindi ko nga siya maikukumpara sa boyfriend mo at sa lahat ng dinaanan na niyo eh. Mahal mo siya. Wala nang iba. Siya naman ay kunwari ok lang. Pero makikita mo parin ang mata niyang nanlilisik sayo. Hindi mo pa nakikita sa kanya ang ganung klaseng titig na nakadirekta sayo. Masakit. Pero kakayanin. Sige na… oo na… tama na… ako na mali. Hindi ko na kakausapin yung guy na yun. Promise. Akala mo ok na ang lahat. Magiging sweet ulit siya… pero magkakaroon siya ng bagong pagseselosan. Tapos mauulit nanaman ito. Tapos lalabas na iniipon pala niya lahat ng galit niya sa iyo. Ibabanggit nanaman niya ang mga pangalan ng mga lalaking nakausap mo dati ng pinagselosan niya. Kasama pa nga yung middle initial nung lalaki eh. Para bang may listahan siya ng mga maling nagawa mo. Tapos iiyak ka nanaman. Tapos hindi mo nanaman alam kung ano ang gagawain mo. Tapos aaminin mo naman na kasalanan mo at mag-sosori ka.

Unti-unting nawawala ang nakilala mo at minahal mo sa pagkatao niya. Dati everyday ay magsama kayo. Ngayon ay once or twice week nalang. “Aalis kami ng mga kabarkada ko. May kailangan kasi ako gawin bukas eh. Boys night(s) out kasi kami eh. Di kita masasamahan mamaya. Sorry. I love you.” Todo understanding ka naman kasi mahal mo siya eh. Pero mag-isa ka nalang umuuwi ng 11pm ng gabi. Masmarami nang oras na wala ang boyfriend mo kaysa sa nandiyan siya. Magrereklamo ka minsan, o kahit kakausapin mo lang naman siya dahil feeling mo nagbago na kayo. Pero magagalit lang siya sayo. “Kulang pa ba lahat ng nagawa ko para sayo? Am I not enough for you?” Aray ko po… ayan nanaman ang mga masasakit na salita niya. Ayan nanaman ang mga luha mo… umaagos na parang wala nang bukas. Hindi mo ma-reason out na nagbago na nga kayo. Na hindi na siya katulad ng dati na excited kang samahan at puntahan. Hindi niya siya katulad ng dati na sobrang ok lang at go sa lahat. Nagbago na nga talaga kayo. Pero hindi mo kayang ipaalam sa kanya yun dahil babarahin at paiiyakin ka lang niya. Ano pa ba magiging desisyon mo? Break, cool off na ito.


May mga lalaki na kapag nakarinig ng bad news sa kanyang mahal ay magwawala. Maslalong magagalit. May mga guys na biglang namang nag-bre-breakdown at iiyak dahil hindi alam ang nagawa. Papano eh sarado ang tenga at ngayon lang makikinig sayo for the first time. May mga guys na babawiin lahat, todo confess na they are in the wrong. Susuyuin ka ng flowers and teddy bear na sobrang cute. Magpapakita sayo ng super nakakaawang itsura habang sinasabing “I’m really sorry baby… I love you so so much and I don’t want to lose you.” Shempre kagat ka naman dahil cotton candy lang puso mo. After 1 week or two… balik nanaman siya sa dati niyang ugali which merits another cool off… and the cycle goes on. Pero meron din namang mga lalaki na sobrang tigas! As in! Nakakainis talaga! Hindi mo akalaing sila pa talaga may ganang magalit sayo at mag-isip ng kung ano-ano. Ipaglalaban ang sarili nilang reasoning na hindi mo alam kung saan nila napulot. Ipaglalaban nila ang reasoning na sila ang tama, na hindi nagbago ang pagtingin nila sayo. “You have no right to say those things to me. Siguro nga kailangan nating mag-cool off.” Kapag nataranta ka doon ay ikaw naman ang biglang hahabol sa kanya. Shempre style yun! O, ano ka ngayon? Edi lumalabas na ikaw naman ang mali ngayon? O nautakan ka nanaman sister? Ay sus… wala tayong magagawa dun… girl eh. At ito… may isa pang type ng guy na hindi ko alam kung sobrang mautak lang talaga siya o sobrang messed up lang niya, na sa sariling niyang mga issues ay ikaw ang nasasaktan at naiipit. “Sorry talaga kung ganun ang nararamdaman mo, may mga problema lang talaga ako ngayon at hindi ko alam kung papano sila ayusin. Kailangan ko muna I-settle ang sarili ko. Siguro nga kelangan natin ng space to thing about stuff.” O sino ang talo sa sitwasyon na ito. Ikaw parin diba? Feeling mo iniiwan mo siya sa panahon na kailangan ka niya. Pero kung matigas ka ok lang yun. Bwahahaha! Sige cool off na tayo. “Sige… sorry talaga kung nasaktan kita ah. Gusto mo friends nalang tayo para hindi ka naiipit sa akin (wow understanding). Ok lang sakin na makipag-date ka sa iba. Masasaktan nga lang ako, di naman maiiwasan yun eh, pero ok lang talaga. (awwww sad…).” Kapag nakarinig ka ba ng ganito ay maiisip mo parin na makipagdate sa iba? Basta ako hindi. So… Ipit ka parin! Kahit ano mangyari. Grabz ang galing noh?

Sobrang labo talaga ng mga guys. It drives me crazy to the point na ayoko na magmahal ng guy. Pero sobrang hindi ka complete kapag walang guy sa buhay mo. I’m so confused and yet I still yearn for one. Hay nako… good luck nalang sa atin.


DISCLAIMER: I did not write this, and I think the author wouldn't want me to divulge his identity. Anyways, nagalingan lang ako :)

Stick Wit You

"Stickwitu"
Pussycat Dolls

I don't wanna go another day,
So I'm telling you exactly what is on my mind.
Seems like everybody's breaking up
Throwing their love away,
But I know I got a good thing right here
That's why I say (Hey)

[Chorus:]
Nobody gonna love me better
I must stick with you forever.
Nobody gonna take me higher
I must stick with you.
You know how to appreciate me
I must stick with you, my baby.
Nobody ever made me feel this way
I must stick with you.

I don't wanna go another day
So I'm telling you exactly what is on my mind.
See the way we ride in our private lives,
Ain't nobody getting in between.
I want you to know that you're the only one for me (one for me)
And I say

[Chorus]

And now
Ain't nothing else I can need (nothing else I can need)
And now
I'm singing 'cause you're so, so into me.
I got you,
We'll be making love endlessly.
I'm with you (baby, I'm with you)
Baby, you're with me (Baby, you're with me)

So don't you worry about
People hanging around,
They ain't bringing us down.
I know you and you know me
And that's all that counts.
So don't you worry about
People hanging around,
They ain't bringing us down.
I know you and you know me
And that's why I say

Freddie Krueger

Recently I've been having nightmares every night (duh that's why they call 'em nightmares). Anyway, I always wake up sweating, with my breath coming in faint gasps like I was about to be killed before I woke up. I can't remember what happens in my dreams exactly, all I can remember is the overpowering imprint of fear that these nightmares leave behind. I'm kind of curious, though, as to what these dreams are all about. My dreams are usually very interesting, when I am able to remember what they are. When I wake up in the middle of the night after an especially interesting one I usually try to repeat it to myself so I can remember when I wake up in the morning. Alas, nowadays I can remember no dreams that I can tell stories about.

Transparency and Zoom-Zoom

Everytime may problema ko, nahahalata mo. Have I become that transparent? Or can you just see right through me? Mala Superman ka ata. May X-Ray vision. Feeling ko tuloy wala akong matago. Tama na rin. Mabigat magtago ng mga sikreto.

Hay may bago akong pangarap. Pero malabo atang maabot ito. Paplanuhin ko muna ang mga bagay bagay...



Ano kayang ipapangalan ko dito? Ang next kong baby.. Hehehhe.. Kuya niya si Freddie. Parang gusto ko pangalanan ng Kenneth. HAHAHHAA. That is, kung maplano ko pera ko. Di nalang ako kakain. Bawal narin magshopping. Hayh. As if kaya ko yon. Owel.

Thank God It's Thursday

It's Thursday, but it feels like Friday to me. I only need to bill 2 more hours tomorrow and the rest of the day is free. I get to help ate out with Vince and go to the city in the afternoon. It's always nice to be home. This will be my schedule for 9 more months. Work like there's no tomorrow for four days and I get to go home on Fridays and spend more time with my loved ones. At least breakfast is buffet and dinner is on the company. It means I get to eat at tons of restaurants. So that also means I need to workout everyday. LOL. The things we sacrifice to get the things we want. Like FOOD.

Tonight I get to share Joe and Ate Ameeh's shifts, just to get a feel of how they take care of little Vince. He smiled (and smirked) at me a few times tonight. Hmmm, reminds me of someone ELSE i know...

Babies are so tiny. It's amazing to see such a small human being. Not that I'm that big myself, but you get what I mean. *Yawn* I've barely even started watching over him and I'm sleepy. Probably has something to do with that glass of milk I drank (haha I got envious of Vince drinking his milk). All right I better just start studying so I don't fall asleep here.

Neuro

Hmm. May neuro ako. [Neuro (noun) - something I am mulling over, confused about]. What if, meron kang coworker (opposite sex). Acquaintances lang kayo, not really that close. You've talked a couple of times. At syempre, pareho kayong consultant so you barely see each other at the office. Tapos, bigla kayong naassign sa same client. Kaya ngayon, forced ka na makisabay sa kanya papunta sa office at pabalik ng hotel. So yun, first time niyong magsabay pauwi. Eh dinner time na so kain muna kayo somewhere. Along the way syempre marami rami narin napag-usapan niyo kasama na don ang pag-gygym at pagkain, at ang fact na may swimming pool sa hotel. Hmm, so nag comment ka na gusto mo itry yung pool next week siguro. Tapos sinabi niyang parati shang nandun. Ok pinalagpas mo nalang ang comment na yun at continue sa usapan. At bago kayo umakyat sa kuwarto ay tinanong ka kung gusto mong magkita sa pool mamayang gabi (since namention mo nga na gusto mo). Sheez hindi ko alam kung ako lang ba yon, or weird lang tlga yon? Baka ako lang yon at ang pagsswimming ay may kakaibang connotation? LOL. Teka, hindi naman sa green-minded ako, pero unang una, hindi pa kayo ganun kaclose. At pangalawa, hindi naman kailangang pati sa pagsswimming ay sabay kayo, hindi naman kayo best friends, at lalong hindi niyo naman kailangan ang isa't isa upang makapagswimming. At pangatlo, alam niyo na yon, swimming=swimsuits. Hahaha weird ako. Ibang generation na nga ako, pero may natitira pa naman akong neuro sa ibang bagay. Hindi ko alam if it's an American thing na ok lang yon. I should ask someone. Heheh. Tanong natin sa Kano diyan. Asan na ba yun?

-*-*-*-*-

I discovered something today. Masarap pala ang Diet Coke with Lime. It has a nice little kick to it. So there. Exciting ba ang araw ko? LOL. I feel like having a cookie. Buti nalang hindi ako natempt bumili kanina hehehe. Ang maganda lang sa nakatira sa hotel, pag tamad kang lumabas, hindi ka rin makakain hehehe. Bawas lamon. Punta kaya akong gym? Parang ayoko dahil a certain someone commented na magwowork out daw sha. No thanks. Tae bo nalang ako sa umaga. Hayh. I gotta get back to work. Amazing ang manager ko eh. Amazing sa pag expect ng trabaho. Yung mga tipong tao na dahil parang wala silang buhay kundi trabaho dapat ikaw rin ganun. Hehehe. Pero wala akong magagawa ang trabaho ko ang nagpapalamon sakin. Ayun, back to work.

Vince Michael

Me and the new guy in my life...


Awww.. isn't he adorable? His name is cute, too, (Vince, sana matangkad ka, maputi, at magaling mag 3-point shot.. ahem ahem.. teka lang.. baka Hizon at hindi Guerrero ang surname mo hahaha!). Napapa-reminisce tuloy ako sa mga kahibangan ko nung high school. For the people who knew me when I was in 1st year high school, you'd probably remember that a day never went by that I wasn't talking about 'Vince'. :). Anyway, this is my very first nephew, his mommy is Ate Ameeh. He was born on April 6th, 2006.

Ito ba itsura niya pagtanda?

Unfortunately para sa mga nangangarap, this picture was taken right before Vince's wedding to Shaan Bermudez HAHAHA. Kaya, sorry nalang mga tol. Wala akong ibang pic na makita online eh AHAHA. Baka tamad lang ako maghanap.

Malas

Second day ko palang sa client, parang feeling ko nauubos nako. Ganito ba ako kahina? Siguro nasanay lang sa isang buwan na pagiging slacker. 2 hrs pa ang commute ko, at actually, pag cinount ang pag hintay ko sa train at sa bus, 3 hours. I have to wake up at 4:00 am so I can leave quarter to 5, head to the city so I can hang out with my favorite person for about 2 hours, head home and feel like sleeping. Alas, there's laundry to do (ahem wala nakong maisuot sa loob), additional things to study for work, at syempre, hindi mawawala ang nonsense kong pagchchat, at nagblog pa tlga! HAHAHHAA. Hay. Nadedepress ako. Hindi narin ako makapagwork out. Hindi lang yun, sa sobrang pagod lamon nako nang lamon. Yikes. Piglet.

-*-*-*-*-

Ilang beses na tayong naabutan nang ulan nang magkasama. Ang totoo, ayoko sa ulan. Ayokong nababasa damit ko, or yung feeling na magkakasakit ata ako. Pero imbis na mairrita e natutuwa pa ata ako, siguro dahil kasama ka, siguro dahil ang kyut mo kapag basa ng ulan, parang basang sisiw pero as usual nakangiti parin, yung ngiti mo na hindi natatanggal sa muka mo (minsan nga lang nagiging smirk, kapag may semi-evil ka nanaman na thought hahaha!). Bat kaya ganun? Talaga bang tinadhana lang tayong malasin? Or baka naman ako ang malas? Heheheh. Yun nga ata eh.

Kissing A Fool

You are far
When I could have been your star
You listened to people
Who scared you to death
And from my heart
Strange that you were strong enough
To even make a start
But you'll never find
Peace of mind
Till you listen to your heart

People
You can never change the way the feel
Better let them do just what they will
For they will
If you let them
Steal your heart from you
People
Will always make a lover feel a fool
But you knew I loved you
We could have shown them all
We should have seen love through

Fooled me with the tears in your eyes
Covered me with kisses and lies
So goodbye
But please don't take my heart

You are far
I'm never gonna be your star
I'll pick up the pieces
And mend my heart
Maybe I'll be strong enough
I don't know where to start
But I'll never find
Peace of mind
While I listen to my heart

People
You can never change the way the feel
Better let them do just what they will
For they will
If you let them
Steal your heart from you
People
Will always make a lover feel a fool
But you knew I loved you
We could have shown them all
We should have seen love through

But remember this
Every other kiss
That you'll ever give
Long as we both live
When you need the hand of another man
One you really can surrender with
I will wait for you
Like I always do
There's something there
That can't compare with any other

You are far
When I could have been your star
You listened to people
Who scared you to death
And from my heart
Strange that I was wrong enough
To think you'd love me too
I guess you were kissing a fool
You must have been kissing a fool

St. Elmo's Fire

We laughed
Until we had to cry
And we loved
Right down to our last goodbye
We were the best
I think we'll ever be
Just you and me
For just a moment

We chased
That dream we never found
And sometimes
We let one another down
But the love we made
Made everything alright
We shone so bright
For just a moment

Time goes on
People touch and then they're gone
And you and I
Will never love again
Like we did then

Someday, when we both reminisce
We'll both say
There wasn't too much we missed
And through the tears
We'll smile when we recall
We had it all
For just a moment

Time goes on
People touch and then they're gone
But you and I
Will never really end
We'll never love again
Like we did then

We laughed until we had to cry
And we loved right down to our last goodbye

Home

Maraming beses na kitang nilayasan
Iniwanan at iba ang pinuntahan
Parang babaeng mahirap talagang malimutan
Ikaw lamang ang aking laging binabalikan

Manila, Manila
I keep coming back to Manila
Simply no place like Manila
Manila, I'm coming home

I walked the streets of San Francisco
I've tried the rides in Disneyland
Dated a million girls in Sydney
Somehow I feel like I don't belong

Hinahanap-hanap kita Manila
Ang ingay mong kay sarap sa tenga
Mga Jeepney mong nagliliparan
Mga babae mong naggagandahan
Take me back in your arms Manila
And promise me you'll never let go
Promise me you'll never let go

Manila, Manila
Miss you like hell, Manila
No place in the world like Manila
I'm coming home to stay

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I left home. Sometimes I wake up and I still can't believe all the changes in my life. What used to be seems like a vague distant memory, memories of lazy hot afternoons playing games, leaving home at 4 pm on a Saturday just to have coffee with my friends and talk about nonsense (stuff that made lots of sense to us anyway), the relief of being able to get a cab after waiting so long at that one spot in Tandang Sora, or of getting off of an FX when I get to the mall. But when all these moments occur to me in flashbacks I can't help but feel an overwhelming sadness that that part of my life is over with. Don't get me wrong, life now isn't bad, it's just so totally different that I can't help but feel displaced. Even I have changed so much, I wonder if coffee with my friends will ever be the same even if I can actually go home and do that with them. One of my officemates (who isn't even Filipino) is going to visit the Philippines in September. I am SOOO envious, but I won't be ready to take a vacation yet at that point in time. I'm targeting February, but who knows? A few months ago I had different plans for December. Ah, but that my friends, is another story better left unsaid. ;)

I feel there's so much that I wanna say, but that there's no point in saying them. You know that feeling, when you start writing a letter, and in the middle of it you just crumple the sheet and throw it away (or maybe ctrl+a and delete)? Sometimes you just have to accept that there's nothing else you can do. Life has to go on. No matter how many mistakes you make, or how many people you hurt, or how many things you wish you did better, you will always make more mistakes, hurt more people and do things the wrong way. Hey, all of that only proves you're human. You can't help but beat yourself up over it, of course (unless you're such a sh*tty as* with no remorse whatsoever). You mull over your imperfections, wondering why you weren't wired differently. You wonder why you're so incredibly flawed that there is no day that you can miss making a mistake. But the better way is to try and do things better next time. If there ever is a next time. As always, I am rambling again. Focus, focus, as my career coach keeps telling me.

I miss home. Yet, I've sort of made my home here too. Kuya, kaw nalang ang kulang bilisan mo Disney na tayo! ;).

Fear

Isn't it one of the scariest things in life to risk all of the things you'd always been comfortable with, all of the things that define your life, on something you're not even sure of? Is it worth it, knowing that in the end, you could just end up with nothing, and in fact end up with a world so shattered, you have no idea how to pick up the pieces? If it means you get a shot at what you've always wanted, I guess it would be worth it. People make this choice all the time. Athletes give up a lot to get to that one moment in time that can make their life shine, but if they get seriously injured, then they have to start all over again, find out what else they could do with their lives. Soldiers sign up to serve, hoping that this ultimate sacrifice can maybe make a difference, even though they have to leave everything they've ever loved back home, knowing there could be a chance that they'll never even see home again. Immigrants leave everything they ever knew behind, even great jobs, to start new lives overseas, even at the cost of starting at the very bottom of the career ladder and swallowing whatever pride they used to have.For anyone who's ever felt this kind of overwhelming fear (and I'm pretty sure most people would at one point in their lives), the only consolation I guess is that you're never alone in your fear. There's always someone else out there feeling exactly the same thing. We are all one in the risks that we take, it's a part of life, of being rational beings who can shape their own future (or can we?). As for me, I feel as if I've barely started my journey in life, and hopefully, in the end, everything will be ok. Like I read somewhere, 'If it's not ok, it's not the end.' ;)

Music make you lose control. Music make you lose control.

Hehehe LSS! I FINALLY took a dance class. I was planning on taking the basic hiphop class but it turned out to be full (note to self: leave earlier next time), so I ended up taking a somewhat advanced 'Video' class (they teach you choreography for music videos). True to form, after months of not having trained, I could barely keep up the first few minutes. But I think I did pretty well towards the end, and learned the moves to 'Lose Control' by Missy Elliot. I've missed the feeling of training for dancing. All the sweating makes me feel like the inside of my body's been cleansed (after taking a shower, of course), and the exertion makes me feel healthier. I kind of pulled a muscle on my left ankle, though. Boy, is tomorrow gonna be a bad day for me. Bad ankle, and my wisdom teeth are gonna be taken out. My diet is gonna consist of soup, soup and more soup.

I'm pretty tired. I guess I'll go to bed. Good night world.

KILL SELF

Hahahahhaa! Ako to ako to ako to ako to...

Basta Blogger...

Hahaha check this out! This is a bumper sticker that's being sold online. There's a shirt too. Here's the link http://www.cafepress.com/rickeyorg.45915607 so even though I took the pic they get free advertising. (Thanks sa link be! :) ). Totoo ba to? Sabi saken proven na daw hahaha! Sa mga may lover na blogger diyan, you guys be the judge. ;)

MP

This night is reminiscent of those days when we were doing our Machine Problems (MPs), trying to finish them 3 nights before the deadline. :). Except, before, I usually wasn't the main programmer, and now I'm the ONLY one. This project is a great way to toot my own horn, let people know I can actually function well on my own. The only problem is that I HAVEN'T been procrastinating. I've been working since the day I started, and still ended up like this, on a holiday, waking up at 3 am and even worse, not being able to sleep at all. The added stress of not having a decent internet connection in this part of the hotel is also driving me nuts. I have filled my stomach with oats, oats and more oats, plus about 3 servings of coffee. And now I am blogging for a few minutes, just to wake myself up and stop myself from taking those 5 steps towards the bed and falling asleep instantly. What am I saying? It's only 10:00 pm. I guess when your time is dependent on someone whose time is running 3 hours later than yours, you start feeling like you're in the same time zone. (I actually said 'time' 3 times in one sentence). Come to think about it, the person I'm talking about is sick, can barely function, and yet, forced himself to talk to me until about 12:30 am (EST). You can't blame me for tying my days to someone who's just as equally tied to mine. :).

I keep thinking just to hang in there. If I don't get any sleep until I leave for New York, at least I know that when I get on that red-eye flight on Thursday, I will be sleeping soundly, and will wake up just in time to have the sun shine on my life again.

Envy

I hate you.

For beating me to the finish line
For being more beautiful.
For being liked by everyone.
For not needing to make an effort, and still getting what you want.
For being richer.
For being with your friends.
For having friends.
For being loved.
For knowing how to love.
For being flawless.

For owning what I cannot have.

-*-*-*-

Envy is such a human trait. It festers and rots in your being like an undeniable disease, and still, people can't help but give in to it sometimes. Why not look at the person you'd like to be, though, instead of the persons around you, instead of trying to measure up to them, measure up to that unattainable self you desperately want to be. There will never be someone exactly like you, hence there will never be someone exactly like the person you're imagining yourself to become someday. So just forget envy and go for it.

Courage

"Heart don't fail me now
Courage don't desert me
Don't turn back now that we're here
People always say life is full of choices
No one ever mentions fear

Or how the road can seem so long
Or how the world can seem so vast
Courage see me through
Heart i'm trusting you
On this journey... "

Journey to the Past - Aaliyah

-*-*-*-

There are times in your life that you just have to take a leap of faith, and trust in what your heart is saying. I've always been a scaredy-cat, who fears a lot of things and choices more than they deserve to be feared. Right now there seems to be a trend of fear surrounding a lot of the people I've come to know and love. The fear of:

1. Being hurt again.
2. Hurting someone.
3. What everyone else will say.
4. Giving your all and getting nothing in return.
5. Rejection.
6. Finding out the truth.
7. Telling the truth.

8. Being lied to.
9. Falling out of love.
10. LOVE.

At Valentine's Day pamandin. Happy Valentine's Day nga pala sa inyong lahat. I know a lot of you out there aren't with the ones you love. And some don't even have people to love. Hehe someone from YM's status today was 'I love you... self' hahaha ok shout out sayo kilala mo kung sino ka. I doubt though mababasa mo to. Anyway, scary tlga magmahal. And every time you make that decision, you also take the risk of being hurt. Pero alam naman natin, na kahit masakit, sige parin. Coz we know it's all worth it kapag nandun sa part na masaya. So never lose that hope, and never let the fear take over. Always have the courage to love.

Teka inaantok nako. Nakakaantok ata pag usapan ang Valentine's Day. Lalo na pag mag-isa ka nanaman hahahaha... FDS!

Another Sleepless Night

Work, work, work...

Think, think, think...

Some of us are doomed to spend sleepless nights alone.

Well, not exactly alone. I have several YM friends keeping me company. The wonders of technology, keeping people like me from committing suicide and dying a sad, tragic death, headlines reading "Consultant dies in a lonely, bitter end.". Hahahhaa! Stop the drama.

I am tired, but I plod on in a zombie-like trance. To my best YM friend (I doubt you ever read this), thanks for the company, and for helping me go on. (Di ko alam kung good ba to, pero we will find out, like you said, 'Abangan ang susunod na kabanata'). ;)

All right back to the grinder.

Ikaw Ang Lahat Sa Akin

From the first time I laid eyes on him I found that I had fallen in love. Yes, it's true, it was definitely love at first sight. His sleek, clean cut look and beautiful face made me lose my breath. I would find myself staring at him everyday. It wasn't a deep kind of love at first, I guess I could say that I was just proud to have someone like him around. Soon, though, I found there was nowhere I could go without him, or the thought of him lurking in my mind like an undeniable virus seeping into my system. I started doing everything with him, moonlit and sunlit walks around the city, lunchtimes made less boring with him around, window shopping, people watching, reminiscing. I've done the laundry, packed my bags to leave, and even slept with him in my arms. Dreary, rainy days (which I've always hated), could become sunny for me with him around. The more I spent time with him, the more I found I couldn't live with the thought of losing him. He did his part, always cheered me up when I was sad, and when his happy voice couldn't comfort me anymore, he was just there for me, being sad with me, waiting for the time when he could be happy with me again. And they always come around, the times when I am so happy just being with him I feel like strutting in the streets in a very John Travolta move. Sometimes, though, I find that I think I'm going deaf from having too much of him around. Err I think I should take off my earphones once in awhile.





Me and my Freddie

Time Is Gold, God Is Love

A very slambook title, if I may say so myself. I've come to realize though that when you're working and traveling, time IS gold. This weekend I'm supposed to stay in California, but from a faint nudge for me to come home came the overwhelming feeling that I really DID want to go home. So, I sent out a few emails about my plans, looked for a flight as cheap as I could get this late in time and YES I can actually go home! But that also means that I will be flying almost entirely on Friday (a day in which I'm supposed to be working, meaning I WILL be working the entire time I'm on the plane and in the airport), I have stopovers both on my way back home and on my way here on Monday morning, and both flights are leaving at around 6 am (Meaning I have to leave the hotel and the house at around 4 am). Ahh, the things we do when we are going crazy.

My project is taking up more and more of my time. Well, just because I really want things to get better for those who are gonna be using what I'm restructuring. I hope all the hard work is gonna be worth it for them in the end. Ahhh, I need to work. But I am also in need of a good cup of coffee. So I'm gonna go out for my usual evening walk to wherever it is that I need to buy something (this time Starbucks), and then resume working later on.. Bye for now guys...

Kahit Pa

Hale

Muling lalapit
Ang liwanag sa paligid
At ang tinig
Na sa aking nagsasabing

Hindi mapipigil ng mundo
Papatunayan ang pangako

Dahil kailangan ka
Kailangang pakita natin tayo'y iba
At kahit pa
Hindi papipigil sa mundo
At sa umagang darating
Lahat ay aking kakayanin

Huwag mong iisipin
Ang mga harang sa atin
At ang ihip ng hangin ay darating

Bigla lang titigil ang mundo
At ang lahat ay maglalaho

Dahil kailangan ka
Kailangang pakita natin tayo'y iba
At kahit pa
Hindi papipigil sa mundo
At sa umagang darating
Lahat ay aking kakayanin

At kahit pa ikaw lang at
At kahit pa ikaw lang at...

Hindi ko man hawak ang panahon
Maging ang ikot ng buhay
Basta't ikaw at ikaw pa rin
Ikaw at ikaw pa rin

Dahil kailangan ka
Kailangang pakita natin tayo'y iba
At kahit pa
Hindi papipigil sa mundo
At sa umagang darating
Lahat ay aking kakayanin

At kahit pa ikaw lang at
At kahit pa ikaw lang at
At kahit pa ikaw lang at ako

-*-*-*-

This is just one of those days when I just have to let it all out with another set of lyrics. Hahaha! Anyway, I'm all tapped out of stuff to say right now. Maybe not, but I don't really feel like sharing. So I'm just gonna update my song list, they link to songs now so just go ahead and click (I can't do direct links sorry).

Just Like Heaven

I'm on the plane right now. I just watched 'Just Like Heaven' (Reese Witherspoon), and it must be one of the most heart-tugging movies I've ever seen (or maybe I'm just feeling emotional myself nowadays, which is why I can empathize with any hint of drama). When I first saw the trailer I just thought, 'Hmm looks like they pretty much gave away the ending already, what's the big deal it's a guy who fell in love with a freakin' ghost' ahahaha! It was a pleasant surprise though that I loved it so much I think I'd like to add it to my list of favorite romantic movies of all time. I think I like movies that show loss. I've also seen 'Return to Me' (David Duchovny and Mimi Rogers), which was also about a guy that lost the love of his life, and then found true love again in what can only be described as a fateful meeting. There's something about guys weeping their hearts out (or trying hard not to) that really gets to me. (Hmm, I don't even want to think about the supposed implications of this statement). Actually, my Humanities teacher (in her effort to read my journal project), referred to this phenomenon as the 'Florence Nightingale' in all women. I guess it means, women want to nurse wounded men (also explains the concept that 'women dig battle scars'). Anyway, real life doesn't usually involve comatose souls that wander the earth looking for their soulmates, or even kisses that bring people back to life. Now that I've come to think about it, I've never really believed in fate, or that somehow, somewhere, gears are turning that control how we will live our lives. I think I've always felt I'd rather have faith, than fate. A belief that there is a higher Being that loves everyone unconditionally, rather than there being an ultimate pattern to the universe and all the chaos in this world. Still, I enjoyed the movie though, and the idea of fate is also nice when it leads to the most beautiful moments in your life. Hmm I feel like I am rambling incoherently here, but I guess I'm just spewing out what's in my mind. (A good way to spend the last hour or so of my flight, which thankfully has NOT been delayed like before). A line in the movie sort-of got to me, I think Elizabeth (Reese) said something like 'All I remember about my life is working', and it just reminded me how important moments are in your life. we can't deny the fact that for most people (who have their own dreams and aspirations, or have the drive to get to them), work must usually come first. We can't deny it, a 9-5 pays the bills and gets you to places. I also remember a cab driver telling me 'What do you think about the fact that Europeans say Americans live to work?'. I had no answer to that, as I am not American. But I guess the point is that we must never find ourselves living to work instead of working to live. Always try to find things in life that make it more than everyday drudgery. In fact, right now I wanna list down some stuff I've seen that make it worth going out instead of working your ass off on the weekends:

1. The full moon (the one that's huge and orangey) in New York City
2. Fresh snow (aka powder) (I saw like 2 meters) on the ski slopes at Tahoe
3. The Chateaus in France
4. The lakeside areas in France
5. Embarcadero street and the piers in San Francisco
6. The view of Manila from Cloud 9 in Antipolo
7. Boracay, the sunsets and the beautiful bodies ;P
8. Quiet coffeehouses where you can drink coffee and read a good book, OR hang out and be loud with your friends, OR sit down and have a nice conversation with a special someone
9. Great clubs on Friday nights where you can surrender yourself to the music and exchange sweat with the persons dancing next to you
10. Sunlit walks in the park
11. Great food in equally wonderful places
12. Road trips where you can bond and/or get pissed off at your friends, then make up at the end.
14. Streetside cafes where you can eat pastries and go people watching, especially when you're in another country or state
15. Chateau d' Versailles and its amazing gardens
16. Mamma Mia! The funnest show I've ever been to

Stuff I wanna see:

1. Usher in concert
2. The pyramids in Egypt
3. The canals of Venice
4. Barcelona
5. A real-life Torii in Tokyo
6. Brad Pitt

Hmm pretty short list right now. I guess I'm not in such a dreamer state right now.. *sigh* I need breakfast..

Pero Minsan Nag-iiba Ang Ikot ng Mundo

I'm supposed to be packing right now. Going home, even though I'm barely ever really home nowadays. But I guess it's true what they say, 'Home is where the heart is'. I heard the reviews for Underworld 2 were not good. I'm still gonna watch anyway, just to find out. Haha, another weekend back in The City.

** I miss my Baby **

Ahahahha! By special request I've included that. I hope you're happy... LOL. I am so freakin' tired nowadays. My body clock is shot, I wake up at weird hours, I sometimes sleep late, I sometimes sleep so early, I have like no idea what's going on.

[Brief pause to sleep]

I just woke up ahaha. It looks like I was too lazy to figure out what to say. Oh well... I'm just gonna torture you guys. Thanks for the song Dex!

Ewan Ko

Di niya sinabi pero may nagsabi
Gusto na yata kasama ka parati
Pero ewan ko, ewan ko
Naubos na ang pera sa kakalakwatsa
Gusto na yata parati kang kasama
Pero ewan ko, ewan ko

Pre chorus:
Napapansin mo na yata
Nakakahiya naman
Gusto lang naman kitang titigan.

Chorus:

Napapalingon tuwing ika'y dumadaan
Napapangiti di ko alam ang dahilan
Alam kong hindi pepwedeng maging tayo
Pero minsan nag-iiba ang ikot ng.. ang ikot ng mundo

Susmaryosep ang dila ay sumabit
Napahiya na di na makalapit
Pero ewan ko ewan ko

Pero

(pre chorus)
(chorus)

Napapalingon tuwing ika'y dumadaan
Napapangiti di ko alam ang dahilan

Napapalingon tuwing ika'y dumadaan
Napapangiti di ko alam ang dahilan

Alam kong hindi pepwedeng maging tayo
Pero minsan nag-iiba ang ikot ng.. ang ikot ng mundo

A Pretty Long Walk

Aha! Today I will not torture my faithful readers with another set of lyrics that will only serve to remind them how much I love music and how sentimental I'm feeling nowadays. Today I was brave enough to travel by bus and train to San Francisco all alone, and had the best time. I only passed by most of the tourist attractions and was not able to ride any of the tour trolleys or cable cars. I still have like, three weekends to hang around over there (tomorrow I might go to Oakland City Center just to have a look around, MAYBE get my nails done, and buy an Oakland shirt for my favorite person :), then study for half the day ). I drank some Irish coffee though, which was supposed to be the original as brought to the US by some guy. In effect I had a coffee and a swig of Irish whiskey at around 12:00 pm. I did a lot of shopping so I ended up just eating clam chowder on sourdough bread a little after lunch.

Mmm.. does that look tasty to you? It was! I think I should try crab cakes at one of the better restaurants one of these weekends. :). So, since I didn't do the tour, what else did I do? Well I mostly walked around and took a lot of pictures without me in them hahaha... Except for a few with my face looking really huge, just to prove that I was actually the one taking the pictures and not some random person.

Here's a nonsensical picture of one of the BART trains (AKA public transportation). The seats are cushioned, a far cry from the ass-hating seats of the MTA over at NY:

Here's a boring fountain which I have no idea why I took a picture of:

One of the many docks. This one was my favorite.


Boudin's Sourdough Bread Bakery:

Ghirardelli Square. Chocolate!!!

Me at the Ghirardelli chocolate shop:

I found a quaint little artist's gallery near Ghirardelli Square. Unfortunately, it was closed so I couldn't come inside, meaning I had to be content with looking from outside, and I forgot the artist's name. But it features paintings of people and animals with doe-like eyes. This particular one leapt at me, as you can imagine (for those who know about BoomBoom):

Another one of the paintings from outside (haha u can almost see me taking the picture, obviously I took this from outside a glass window):

Hmm.. obviously I have yet to take a picture of something substantial. HAHAHA. I think I'll leave that to when I'm actually using a digital camera, and there's someone willing to take my picture :P.

I had a lot of fun, though. This kind of life is worth it, if I could only deal with the only real problem I have with it. It's not the traveling, the tiredness, or anything of that sort. It's the distance. *sigh* Oh well. It's time to study. I actually have to earn all this stuff I shopped for.

Wala Nang Hahanapin Pa

Sa tuwing tayo't magkakalayo

hindi matahimik ang puso ko

bawat sandali hanap kita

'di mapakali hanggang muling makita ka

dahil kung ika'y makita ng

labis labis ang tuwang nadarama

magisnan lamang ang kislap ng iyong mata

kahit ano pa ay kakayanin ko na





Basta't kasama kita

lahat magagawa

lahat ay maiaalay sa'yo

basta't kasama kita

walang kailangan pa

wala nang hahanapin pa

basta't kasama kita


giliw,sana ay ikaw na nga

ang siyang mananatiling kasama ko

dahil kung ika'y mawawala

pati lahat sa buhay ko'y maglalaho

ngunit...


Basta't kasama kita

lahat magagawa

lahat ay maiaalay sa'yo

basta't kasama kita

walang kailangan pa

wala nang hahanapin pa

basta't kasama kita



walang kailangan pa

wala nang hahanapin pa

basta't kasama kita

This Side

"It's foreign on this side
but it feels like I'm home again.
There's no place to hide
but I don't think I'm scared... :)"

-- This Side (Nickel Creek)

*sigh* My flight back to NY was delayed for like 2 hrs last Thursday. And the same thing happened to my flight back to CA tonight. The fates have conspired to ruin my schedule. I arrive at around 11:45 pm, meaning that it would be almost 3 am back in NY, an awful time to announce to the important people in my life that I just came in. Oh well. (Written on the plane)

I keep going shopping for food or clothes carrying all the crap I need for work. Meaning I lug arond a laptop and a book that's even heavier than that, while getting groceries or clothes. I always end up walking with like a ton of stuff and with people looking at me wondering if I'd gone nuts. The kicker is that I usually wear 3-inch boots. Why do I always do this to myself? A while ago some random guy at the store commented that I must have big muscles to carry around all that food. Yeah right. Big muscles or a lot of stupidity.

All ryty, back to work! I can't believe the weekend's over. :) *sigh* 2 weeks nanaman.

Apologies

I've been so incredibly selfish, stupid and insensitive, bordering on mean these past few days. I just wanna say I'm sorry. But I guess that's all I can say. I have like, no right to say anything right now. So there.

-*-*-*-

Let's move on to the shallow stuff. I think I've become addicted to music. I do not do anything without Freddie nowadays.. unless JLo (my laptop) is at hand, she also plays music. If any of you are wondering why my laptop is called JLo, a friend of mine commented that this laptop has a huge ass (the battery sticking out back), somewhat like, well, some ladies out there. So it occurred to me to call her JLo (one of my favorite artists, hahahhaa, back before her Bennifer days).

-*-*-*-

I'm kind of depressed about not being able to watch TV. There's just so much to do.. well, actually I haven't been accomplishing too much these days. I spend too much time dwelling on whatever it is that my life is right now. Too much time that all that's left isn't even enough to handle all the studying that I should be doing right about now. One of my friends asked me if I had already finished that XML class we signed up for. It's supposed to be done by January 20th, and yet I think I barely remember what the heck I studied before (I'm about halfway through). Plus I'm supposed to start a Java Web Development study group on Tuesday, (for which there is a course I must finish every week). Hmm.. I am actually supposed to be developing in ColdFusion, so why have I signed up for Java Web Development? I'm such a freakin' mess right now. But at least, I'm happy. In a way. :)

-*-*-*-

F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Flashback:

"You've just gotta figure at some point it's all gonna come together, and it's just gonna be... un-floopy." -- Friends (Monica Geller)

Here Is Gone

Wala lang. As usual, nice song.

Here Is Gone
Googoo Dolls


You and I got somethin
But it’s all and then it’s nuthin to me, yeah
And I got my defenses
When it comes through your intentions for me, yeah

And we wake up in the breakdown
With the things we never thought we could be, yeah

I’m not the one who broke you
I’m not the one you should fear
We got to move you darlin
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all

And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone

I am no solution
To the sound of this pollution in me, yeah
And I was not the answer
So forget you ever thought it was me, yeah

I’m not the one who broke you
I’m not the one you should fear
We got to move you darlin
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all

And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone

And I don’t need the fallout
Of all the past that’s in between us
And I’m not holding on
And all your lies weren’t enough to keep me here

And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone

And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling

I know it’s out there
I know it’s out there
And I can feel you falling

I know it’s out there
I know it’s out there
Somehow here is gone, yeah

I know it’s out there
I know it’s out there
Somehow here is gone, yeah

Hanging By A Moment

Before when this song was really popular, I didn't understand it, or I wasn't really sure what it meant, so I didn't care too much for it. Now I've come to appreciate it. Share ko lang sa inyo.

Hanging By A Moment
Lifehouse


Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me now...

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

There's nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That can change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you....

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

Just hanging by a moment (here with you)
Hanging by a moment (here with you)
Hanging by a moment here with you

Disclaimer: Gets niyo na yon. At para sa di maka-gets, di na kailangan ng disclaimer. Hahaha!

-*-*-*-*-

I went snowboarding!! It was a lot of fun, but also a lot of pain :). One time I almost blacked out coz of a really bad fall. But I got some cruise time before that at least.

Is It Over

I'm down a one-way street

With a one-night stand, With a one track mind

Out in no-man´s land

(The punishment sometimes don´t seem to fit the crime)



Yeah there´s a hole in my soul

But one thing I´ve learned

For every love letter written

There´s another burned

(So you tell me how it´s gonna be this time)



Is it over, Is it over

´Cause I'm blowin´ out the flame



Take a walk outside your mind

Tell me how it feels to be

The one who turns the knife inside of me

Take a look and you will find is nothing there girl

Yeah I swear, I'm telling you girl yeah ´cause

There´s a hole in my soul that´s been killing me forever

It´s a place where a garden never grows

There´s a hole in my soul, yeah I should have known better

´Cause your love´s like a thorn without a rose



I'm as dry as a seven-year drought

I got dust for tears

And I'm all tapped out

(Sometimes I feel broken and can´t get fixed)



I know there´s been all kinds of shoes underneath your bed

Now I sleep with my boots on but you´re still in my head

(And something tells me this time I'm down to my last licks)



´Cause if it´s over, Then it´s over

And it´s driving me insane



Take a walk outside your mind

Tell me how it feels to be

The one who turns the knife inside of me

Take a look and you will find is nothing there girl

Yeah I swear, I'm telling you girl yeah ´cause

There´s a hole im my soul that´s been killing me forever

It´s a place where a garden never grows

There´s a hole im my soul, Yeah, I should have known better

´Cause your love´s like a thorn without a rose



If it´s over, It is over

´Cause I'm blowin´ out the flame



Take a walk outside your mind

Tell me how it feels to be

The one who turns the knife inside of me

Take a look and you will find

is nothing there girl yeah I swear

I'm telling you girl, yeah ´cause

There´s a hole in my soul that´s been killing me forever

It´s a place where a garden never grows

There´s a hole in my soul, Yeah, I should have known better

´Cause your love´s like a thorn without a rose