St. Elmo's Fire

We laughed
Until we had to cry
And we loved
Right down to our last goodbye
We were the best
I think we'll ever be
Just you and me
For just a moment

We chased
That dream we never found
And sometimes
We let one another down
But the love we made
Made everything alright
We shone so bright
For just a moment

Time goes on
People touch and then they're gone
And you and I
Will never love again
Like we did then

Someday, when we both reminisce
We'll both say
There wasn't too much we missed
And through the tears
We'll smile when we recall
We had it all
For just a moment

Time goes on
People touch and then they're gone
But you and I
Will never really end
We'll never love again
Like we did then

We laughed until we had to cry
And we loved right down to our last goodbye

Home

Maraming beses na kitang nilayasan
Iniwanan at iba ang pinuntahan
Parang babaeng mahirap talagang malimutan
Ikaw lamang ang aking laging binabalikan

Manila, Manila
I keep coming back to Manila
Simply no place like Manila
Manila, I'm coming home

I walked the streets of San Francisco
I've tried the rides in Disneyland
Dated a million girls in Sydney
Somehow I feel like I don't belong

Hinahanap-hanap kita Manila
Ang ingay mong kay sarap sa tenga
Mga Jeepney mong nagliliparan
Mga babae mong naggagandahan
Take me back in your arms Manila
And promise me you'll never let go
Promise me you'll never let go

Manila, Manila
Miss you like hell, Manila
No place in the world like Manila
I'm coming home to stay

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I left home. Sometimes I wake up and I still can't believe all the changes in my life. What used to be seems like a vague distant memory, memories of lazy hot afternoons playing games, leaving home at 4 pm on a Saturday just to have coffee with my friends and talk about nonsense (stuff that made lots of sense to us anyway), the relief of being able to get a cab after waiting so long at that one spot in Tandang Sora, or of getting off of an FX when I get to the mall. But when all these moments occur to me in flashbacks I can't help but feel an overwhelming sadness that that part of my life is over with. Don't get me wrong, life now isn't bad, it's just so totally different that I can't help but feel displaced. Even I have changed so much, I wonder if coffee with my friends will ever be the same even if I can actually go home and do that with them. One of my officemates (who isn't even Filipino) is going to visit the Philippines in September. I am SOOO envious, but I won't be ready to take a vacation yet at that point in time. I'm targeting February, but who knows? A few months ago I had different plans for December. Ah, but that my friends, is another story better left unsaid. ;)

I feel there's so much that I wanna say, but that there's no point in saying them. You know that feeling, when you start writing a letter, and in the middle of it you just crumple the sheet and throw it away (or maybe ctrl+a and delete)? Sometimes you just have to accept that there's nothing else you can do. Life has to go on. No matter how many mistakes you make, or how many people you hurt, or how many things you wish you did better, you will always make more mistakes, hurt more people and do things the wrong way. Hey, all of that only proves you're human. You can't help but beat yourself up over it, of course (unless you're such a sh*tty as* with no remorse whatsoever). You mull over your imperfections, wondering why you weren't wired differently. You wonder why you're so incredibly flawed that there is no day that you can miss making a mistake. But the better way is to try and do things better next time. If there ever is a next time. As always, I am rambling again. Focus, focus, as my career coach keeps telling me.

I miss home. Yet, I've sort of made my home here too. Kuya, kaw nalang ang kulang bilisan mo Disney na tayo! ;).

Fear

Isn't it one of the scariest things in life to risk all of the things you'd always been comfortable with, all of the things that define your life, on something you're not even sure of? Is it worth it, knowing that in the end, you could just end up with nothing, and in fact end up with a world so shattered, you have no idea how to pick up the pieces? If it means you get a shot at what you've always wanted, I guess it would be worth it. People make this choice all the time. Athletes give up a lot to get to that one moment in time that can make their life shine, but if they get seriously injured, then they have to start all over again, find out what else they could do with their lives. Soldiers sign up to serve, hoping that this ultimate sacrifice can maybe make a difference, even though they have to leave everything they've ever loved back home, knowing there could be a chance that they'll never even see home again. Immigrants leave everything they ever knew behind, even great jobs, to start new lives overseas, even at the cost of starting at the very bottom of the career ladder and swallowing whatever pride they used to have.For anyone who's ever felt this kind of overwhelming fear (and I'm pretty sure most people would at one point in their lives), the only consolation I guess is that you're never alone in your fear. There's always someone else out there feeling exactly the same thing. We are all one in the risks that we take, it's a part of life, of being rational beings who can shape their own future (or can we?). As for me, I feel as if I've barely started my journey in life, and hopefully, in the end, everything will be ok. Like I read somewhere, 'If it's not ok, it's not the end.' ;)

Music make you lose control. Music make you lose control.

Hehehe LSS! I FINALLY took a dance class. I was planning on taking the basic hiphop class but it turned out to be full (note to self: leave earlier next time), so I ended up taking a somewhat advanced 'Video' class (they teach you choreography for music videos). True to form, after months of not having trained, I could barely keep up the first few minutes. But I think I did pretty well towards the end, and learned the moves to 'Lose Control' by Missy Elliot. I've missed the feeling of training for dancing. All the sweating makes me feel like the inside of my body's been cleansed (after taking a shower, of course), and the exertion makes me feel healthier. I kind of pulled a muscle on my left ankle, though. Boy, is tomorrow gonna be a bad day for me. Bad ankle, and my wisdom teeth are gonna be taken out. My diet is gonna consist of soup, soup and more soup.

I'm pretty tired. I guess I'll go to bed. Good night world.

KILL SELF

Hahahahhaa! Ako to ako to ako to ako to...