Overhaul

This blog is quickly becoming too cute and pink for my taste. Don't get me wrong, cute and pink is ok, but now it's time for an overhaul.

When I will HAVE the time for the overhaul is beyond me.

Right now I'm supposed to be working, instead of deciding what color scheme my blog should have. ARGH.

I'm over at my sister's apartment, not even sure if I should go home. The minute I go home I might start watching my FRIENDS dvds.

What am I doing nowadays? I'm currently deciding what I'm supposed to be doing... (huh?) Several choices have come up:

1. Join a book club
2. Dance more often (and by often I do not mean once a week)
3. Brush up on ColdFusion, give up my 'blogspot' and actually create a website that is MINE.

The problem with choice number 1, no matter how nice it may seem, is just that I'm still kind of scared of meeting people who are much TOO intellectual for my tastes. I do read, and I like a good conversation about a good book. But that may be a little too much for me.

Choice number two is not so bad except that I only have the weekends to do it, and I've decided I will never say no to anyone that I know who's asking me to go to the city and have fun. This only means Friday nights are pretty much down the drain.

Choice number three is kind of scary. Giving up 25 bucks a year means I actually have to do it, no excuses. And it's not like a zillion people are reading my blog, hello? I created my first website in sixth grade. Back then it seemed like an amazing thing, but I spent most of my free hours on it. *sigh* There's just so much other stuff to do. I'm not in sixth grade anymore.

Thanks. :)

Recently a lot of people have been sending me messages asking if I'm ok. Probably because my last entry seemed to indicate that I was going insane. :)

Monday morning I woke up every hour from 1 am to 4 am, trying to decide whether I had the strength to go to work or not. I had not packed my stuff yet, and at about 4:30 I knew I had to decide, because I had to be out the door before 6 am to get to work. The only thing that had kept me from grabbing a knife and stabbing myself over the weekend was the fact that I was around so many people. If I stayed home, it would only be me and the dog. So, I grabbed a knife, stabbed a loaf of bread, had breakfast, and sped off to work. :) The decision to live. All in a day's work.

Saturday my sister told me people had different ways of getting over their problems. Some people had to get to their lowest point before deciding to move on. I don't think I ever really got to that lowest point, and I don't think I wanna know how that would have gone. I think the major thing that made me decide was a text message from my sister practically screaming at me to get over myself. It actually worked. Santong paspasan itoh.

So now I'm ok. I want to thank all the people who asked me how I was, and my sister, who I think would have slapped me if she thought it would give me some sense. ;P.

It's funny how different parts of your life can be at such extremes. Over the past month I think I've been blatantly called stupid about five times. BUT. At work I've been asked to look over more senior people's stuff so many times, one of them actually half-jokingly suggested that I should review their documents before they're passed on to our Technical Lead. The person who suggested this has been working in IT for more than 8 years. One of the smartest people I know nowadays told me he thought he was quite analytical, but that I was even more so. *sit back, relax* Ahh. Life is still good. We had a good laugh when I commented that I wish I was quite as analytical in all parts of my life. :D

Ok I've run out of trying-to-be-witty things to say. Time for some TV! Have a great day everyone :).

Somebody Save Me

At 22 years old, I am experiencing my first, real heartbreak. My sister commented that I'm such a late bloomer. Yes, I accept it. I don't know if this is the best time to deal with this kind of thing, but I guess life deals you all kinds of things and they will never really happen when you expect them.

At first I wanted to keep it to myself. I wanted to tell no one of the slow, fiery pain. Least of all the people who I really needed to tell, or those who deserved to know. The first person I completely opened up to about it felt like a total stranger to me. I guess when you don't really care what someone thinks, it is then that you can expose what you are most ashamed of, and know that there is little to no chance of ever regretting the confession.

I tried to hide it, even from you. I told myself you shouldn't know how torn I am. But the haze of pain that has unrelentingly engulfed me these past few days slowly took on its own life. I couldn't hide it, so I finally turned to the people closest to me, and tried to draw on their strength. They have helped, in a way, but other people can only do so much for you, especially when it seems like you do not want to help yourself. I have come to the point wherein I keep wondering why my heart is still beating. I ask God to be the one to stop it completely, because I do not have the courage to do it myself. He seems to have other plans, because somehow, I am still functioning.

I wake up in the middle of the night. Always. Sometimes sobbing, sometimes tired of the nightmares, sometimes to a dull ache in my chest that does not seem to want to stop. Sometimes I find people who are willing to try and comfort me out here in cyberspace. They tell me of their own pain, that there is no escape, and that the only way to get past it is to ride it out til the end. My brother tells me I am in the 'Bargaining' stage. I am scared that I am still in 'Denial', which only means it will take even longer for me to finally feel normal again. Right now I don't know how to function. I try to be around people, just because I will be alone again for the rest of the week, and I guess I want to soak up the feeling of not being alone, even though as I lie on the sofa just listening to everyone else make their everyday noises, I still feel like I am in my own bubble, and nobody can get to me, nobody can help.

I don't know what to do anymore, which is why I've started writing about it. I need to let it out, but I cannot expect people to just be there for me throughout the night.

I walk around with a heavy weight, so heavy I feel like I am an ant, carrying something ten times my own weight. As I go throughout the day feeling this heavy, I keep wondering how people can still be moving about. What I have gone through is probably without a doubt one of the lesser sorrows any person has ever gone through. And yet, I feel like I just want the world to end. Most of the people around me, especially those who are older, have probably gone through hell and back in their own lifetimes, and I keep thinking, "How can they still be here, laughing, buying shoes, complaining about the weather, watching a movie?" Can human beings actually be this strong? Apparently, they are.

I do not know how to end this entry, or this pain for that matter. People tell me it will, on its own. I wish I had a remote so I can fast forward my life, but I guess the only way to learn life's lessons is through experience. And without experiencing this I would not have been complete.

Kababawan

For the first time this week I actually had a pleasant dream. One of the shallowest dreams I've ever had in a long time, but it was actually worth more to me than a lot of better things that have happened to me recently.

I dreamt I was in a school bus, sitting beside a little girl, no more than a 3rd grader. The bus was full, and I was trying to play Freddie (my mp3 player) and transmit to the bus radio. Suddenly the bus driver commented that my music sucked, and the whole bus load of people actually agreed. They switched to some crummy station. For some reason I felt extremely bad. The little girl beside me rolled her eyes as if to say 'Who cares about them? They have no idea what sounds great. We are the only cool persons in this bus.' She picked up one of my earphones and started listening to Freddie with me. A slow grin started to spread on my face. Then somebody was knocking on my door saying "Ash, gising na." Urgh. My first pleasant dream in a week and I have to wake up.

"Na nakakatakot, lalo na kung collor yellow..."

Good Luck

Good luck sa lahat. Sa lahat ng nagmamahal. Minsan talaga, mawawalan ka ng pag-asa. Pero sabi nga ng isa kong kakilala, 'It's all part of the game.' Pag inisip mo rin, napakadami mong blessings, na nakakalimutan mo kapag may malaki kang problema. :) You've wasted enough time, why waste more? Isang century lang or less ang buhay nating lahat. Napakahirap na nang ibalance ung natitira mong oras sa mga bagay na gusto mong gawin, iwawaste mo pa sa pagmumukmok? :). Kudos sa lahat ng malalakas na tao diyan, hayaan niyo, in the end, it will all be ok. If it's not ok, it's not the end. :)

Wala akong oras recently. Binalanse ko sa pag figure out ng buhay kong nalolost, trabaho, and mga bagay na walang kwenta. Kaya siguro di nako nakapagsulat. Pasensya na at wala akong pasensyang mag-ingles ngayon. Siguro kasi, nakakamiss ang sariling lengwahe kapag puro kano ang kausap mo. Not na olats sila, but sa totoo lang, nakakamiss tlga ung komportableng komportable ka sa kausap mo di ba? Walang imbento, walang kunwa-kunwari, puro katotohanan. Ang totoo, alam kong nagkamali ako sa maraming bagay recently. Pero alam ko rin na I've been trying my best, yun naman ang importante di ba? Ang mga nangyayari sa buhay parating may rason, at unti-unti kong narerealize ang mga rason kung bakit nangyari ang mga bagay sa buhay ko. Ang alam ko lang, buhay pako. 'Live to Tell' ika nga. At mrami akong kilala na, they have lived to tell the part of their lives na feeling nila, di nila malalagpasan. Anlaki ng respeto ko sa mga taong ito ngayon, saludo ako sa inyo mga pare at mare. Dahil andyan kayo, may mga tao na dumadagdag who can also 'Live to Tell', dahil andiyan kayo para sabihin na.. 'Hoy. Gising.'

Ok na ok ako sa trabaho ngayon. Sa totoo lang, d ko maimagine na ako si Ash dati, walang pakealam sa aral at nagyayayang manood ng sine halos araw araw, lalo na kapag ang class ay 'German' "Ich liebe dich"? Hehehehe. Napapansin kong may sense pala ang pagka-CS ko sa UP, kahit na akala ko dati gusto ko nalang tulugan si Sir Quiwa. Sir, salamat sa inyo, ang bilis ko matuto. O baka naman dahil magaling lang talaga pamilya ko :). Sa tingin ko, pareho HAHAHA. 'Sex? Baka isulat niyo, ALL THE TIME.' HAHAHHAA. Dabest tlga si Sir Quiwa. Kala mo tutulugan mo na biglang hihirit ng kung ano. Sir, lolo na kayo, but then again, dahil don nakinig ako sa Hashing functions niyo. :) Hindi ko na matandaan pero sa tingin ko nagkasense naman. Gumradweyt naman ako di ba?

Kanina kumain kami ni ate alet sa isang kainan dito lang malapit sa kanila. Naalala ko yung 'Likha Diwa'. Singkwenta ang kape, pero masarap at hindi na makatulog si best matapos uminom. Ngayon nga lang, hindi kape ang ininom. Pero ok lang, parang tumatanda na ang pakiramdam ko. Medyo may kick na ang inumin. (ulet. at hindi na dahil cool lang.) Malapit na bedey ko. Ang sabi ng Diyos, 'Iha, oras nang tumanda ka.' Sa tingin ko nga. Kahit papano, salamat sa Diyos, naisip niyang patandain nako (wala pa namang puting buhok, salamat naman).

Naisip ko nang yakapin ang buhay ko ngayon. Dati kasi, pakiramdam ko, hindi pa ako makapaniwalang andito ako, at hindi ko rin alam kung gusto ko bang tanggapin na makikibagay ako sa mundo dito. Pero pinili ko ito e. At kahit pa, mahirap makibagay, binigyan ako ng pagkakataong patunayan na kaya ko. Sa tingin ko naman, napatunayan ko e. Kaya, kudos sa sarili ko bwahaha.

Hay. Kaantok ah. Kapagod umuwi. But it's good to be home. In a way.

Good night world.