"...the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn..."
I have always been, and will always be, a weirdo. It's a blessing and a curse, but as I've grown older, I've come to realize it is really more of a blessing. In elementary and most of high school, this of course meant that I was treated like a loser. Even when I finally found a way to fit in with a few sets of people, I knew there was never a lack of those who kept judging me for being different. In college people usually find they don't care about fitting in with everyone anymore, since they usually find their niche somewhere, and yes, I certainly found friends who loved me for who I was, but it really was only when I moved to NY that I finally completely liked myself for who I am. I mean, sure I still have some insecurities, I am a girl after all (I'm stretching the word 'girl' there a little bit), but overall I think I'm pretty happy with who I am and what I have in life.
I'm not sure there was any one thing that made me seem strange to people. I think it was really a variety of hobbies and traits that led them to think I was not "normal".
First of all, I've always been painfully shy around new people. This has only been cured during the past couple of years, but this problem plagued me throughout my teens and most of my early adulthood. When I talk to my husband about it I call it "verbal constipation", as opposed to "verbal diarrhea". I had a tendency to overthink what I was going to say, and usually ended up not saying anything at all.
As a kid I liked to play like the boys did. I climbed trees and rooftops a lot (to the delight of my parents), although I would sometimes take a Barbie or two with me and pretend they were in a humongous alien jungle. I played with mud and made cakes out of it. I collected marbles. From the beginning I already wasn't your normal little girl. It was difficult to deal with the fact that I had a tomboyish side growing up, but now that I think about it, growing up like that must have instilled in me the idea that whether you're a girl or a boy, or one of those who has the heart and soul of the other, you should be able to do whatever the hell you want, be whatever the hell you want, and love whoever the hell you want (as long as it's legal, of course :P, the world is still working on that third bit).
When people ask me which classic Disney movie is my favorite, my answer has always been "Beauty and the Beast". I find I can relate to Belle the most out of the Disney heroines I've seen, not because I think I'm beautiful but because I used to walk around WHILE reading a book a LOT (even going up and down stairs at school), and because I've always felt like
"I want adventure in the great wide somewhere. I want it more than I can tell. And for once it might be grand To have someone understand I want so much more than they've got planned..."
I guess craving adventure is a common side effect to reading a lot of books.
The constant reading was definitely a major factor (I think). At school we had stretches of time (maybe a week out of every year?) when we were expected to speak in English the WHOLE time (even during lunch and recess I believe), and I of course took it seriously since I loved reading books in English, but I think some classmates may have thought I was trying to show off, when in fact I just really loved the idea of speaking in another language, again probably because I loved reading. All of these things further alienated me from prospective friends, but now that I live in the US, when I'm asked about when I moved here and I answer "after college", I always get the amazed look and the question "Why don't you have an accent?". I always remember some of my lonelier childhood moments then and I think it was well worth it.
Don't even get me started about the whole computer bit. We all know geeks don't tend to have good high school experiences. This was a non-issue in college though, when I took up computer science, for obvious reasons. Now, put together a love for books and a fondness for computers and what do you get? Sci-fi. There's no doubt it's a bit difficult to blend in with normal high schoolers when you're a girl who likes sci-fi. Trust me. If you went to a school where this was embraced, I envy you. A LOT. But all this led to my career path now. I'm not declaring myself to be a great programmer, in fact, some might even argue I'm not a programmer at all since I took the easier path, but it sure does pay the bills, and that's definitely something to be thankful for.
If you read a lot you've probably deduced by now that I'm more into the escapist world of fiction rather than (what I think to be) the more intellectual world of non-fiction. So it's no surprise that I love fantasy as well. If you're not into books, think "Lord of the Rings". Another reason I may not have been deemed the coolest. Unfortunately, my love for fantasy doesn't translate to anything great in real life, but it helps me relax when I'm mad at the world, and that's good enough for me.
Now that I'm older, and (hopefully) wiser, I've realized that being normal is boring, and being weird is so much more fun. In fact I found someone to love who is just as strange, if not stranger, than I am. I've found ways to fit in more. I've acquired a better sense of style, I learned to put on decent (non-slutty) makeup, I've traveled quite a bit which I think gives me more topics for conversation and helps with the shyness factor, and I own a variety of boots (boots are cool, exhibit A - Ash). But that's probably all cancelled out by the fact that I found more ways to make myself odd, such as my love for mangas and animes (otaku!) and my part-time obsession with Korean dramas. Yes, I have a lot of hobbies (most of them nerdy), but they make me happy, and I think they give me a better (if stranger) viewpoint on life. Most days, I find it's better than fitting in with everyone else and being deemed "normal".
